A rough raw feeling

I’m not sure how I’m going to end this post. It’s 3.09 pm here, Sir is asleep, and I’m on no touch until further notice – which means I am allowed a space of my own, and I can look back into my days being Sir’s slut without anyone’s clouding my judgement. I was being a smartass last night, because I can tease Sir as much as he teases me (he does have a soft spot for me I noticed), but that always gets me in trouble. He also told me to thank every single one of you who had ever commented on how beautiful I am, and apparently, I’ve missed 4 compliments. That equals to 4 days of no touch and my impudence led to one day of no anal. Me being pouty this morning = 2 days of no anal.I told sir before that I don’t want to cum ever again. However, I tend to forget that I am still so new to denial. It’s only been a week after all. The rush, the excitement, the frustration and desperation I felt – this is all so new to me, and I truly forget that I’m letting a stranger controlling my orgasms. I was always eager to please Sir that I forgot to be careful about what I wish for. I forget that “Sub-frenzy” is a thing. Google explains that better than I do:Sub-frenzy is when a new sub is overcome by the overwhelming need to experience submission in whatever way they desire. This traditionally results in forgetting about their own safety. Sir reminds me that in his own subtle way.“Let’s start small.”“Let’s set a small goal. A set amount of orgasms you should have in a year.”“Breathe.”“As long as it is consensual.”I’m lucky that I have Sir to be rational with me whenever I’m dying to please him. I’m thankful he protects me from my own dark desires. The more I’m with him, the more I discover the dark sides of me that just wants to be owned by him. To be trained by him. To be his perfect little slut. And it’s scary because I don’t know how far I can go. Or willing to go. It’s not lust talking here. It’s just me, myself and I. I know what I want to do, I know what I want him to do to me.I know what I signed up for when I posted my first picture on Reddit. I was ready…ready for what, exactly? I never expected anyone to reach out and chat with me, and became someone’s sub right at that spot too. But I did. And everything that happened after that day was amazing. It’s been amazing with him, and I honestly wouldn’t want any other people to be my Sir.I’ll let you in on a secret. When he asked me to ruin for the first time, I was really torn in disobeying him or following his command. Because ruins at that time was my worst enemy. I was so close to beg him to let me cum. Was so close to tell him to shut up and stop being a jerk and just let me be. But it was like my mind already knew who it wanted to give in to. I stopped being stubborn, and I ruined so hard that it leaked. I never did that. I never managed to do that. Sir did that to me, and that was the exact moment I found out ruins could be so so good.Sometimes, I get ahead of myself. Really, I should start being patient because he’d train me to be the perfect, needy slut he wants me to be. I know that, but I feel like if I truly let myself be his submissive, without questioning him or his authority over me, I’m a goner, you know?Because that would be the moment where I’ll truly be his slut. A slut who doesn’t talk back anymore. A slut who’s not bratty anymore. A slut who will always strive for perfection. That very thought made me stubborn, despite me wanting to let it go. So really, it’s still just me who’s scared of my darkest desires. Scared to admit that I wanted this. Scared that I wanted to try all of my firsts with him. Scared to let him inside my head. Scared that I’ll let him into my heart as well – I doubt that’s a burden anyone wants to bear, so if I start being distant, I’d probably walk away – and Sir…Sir should know what that means.It’s day 7 with Sir, and for the very first time, I am scared of my own feelings.10.13 pmSir noticed I was being distant today, and I showed him what I wrote. Every comforting words coming from him only make me cry even more.“I guess I pushed you too hard and too fast.”“Bathroom, now. Smile big for me. I need to make you happy.”“You’re training to be the perfect submissive slut, but you’re still human.”And honestly? I’ll end this post with this statement here: Every sub deserves a dom like my Sir. female orgasm denial Get your own Orgasm Control toys: For men: http://www.amzn.to/1V6XQvv For women: https://ift.tt/1UWn54n